To Cut, or Not to Cut?

June 27th, 2012

Dear Dan,

I’ve been wanting to get my hair cut for quite a while. I know exactly what I want it to look like, and I’m sure that I would like it very much. My problem is two-fold. First, I am petrified of getting a bad haircut. Since I have a very real picture of what I want it to look like, I’m afraid that I will be easily disappointed. Second, I really enjoy being able to style my hair according to my mood. If it was shorter, I would have far fewer options. I’ve noticed that most of my friends do their hair the same way, day after day. While they look lovely much of the time, I don’t think that is something that I would enjoy. To cut, or not to cut?


Dear Haircut-Phobic,

So is Fruitland kind of like Disneyland, only more sticky and sweet, and less Mickey Mousey? What kind of fruit do you have in Fruitland? Cranberries? Apples? Pineapples? Cranapples? What about kumquats? I don’t even know what kumquats are, but I like saying it. Kumquat. Ha ha. Kumquat kumquat kumquat.

Anyway, so I hear you’ve got a problem with two folds. That sucks. Let’s address your issues one at a time.

First Fold

You are afraid you will be disappointed if your hair doesn’t turn out the way you imagine it will. Now when you say you have a “very real picture” of what you want your hair to look like, do you mean you actually have a physical picture of someone with the exact same haircut, or do you have a “very not-real picture” that only exists in your mind? Because I can pretty much guarantee you will be disappointed if it is the latter.

The last time I had a professional haircut, I was trying to grow it out a little and wasn’t sure what to do with it anymore. It was mangy. So I went to this barber and told him, “I’m growing my hair longer, I just want a little trim,” and the guy says, “Well, I’m not going to shave you bald!” Technically, he did not shave me bald. But he cut my hair shorter than I used to have it before I was growing it out. So basically he was stupid. Also, he told me he used to be a doctor but quit because he didn’t like the lifestyle and then went to barber school and now he drives a twenty-year-old Chevrolet Caprice. Also, he told me I’m going bald and I need to buy scalp stimulating shampoos from him. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he was a pathological liar.

A White 1991 Caprice Classic

Photo by Mr.choppers -

That’s not to say that every hair stylist will ignore your instructions and hack up your hair. Or that they are all pathological liars. Or that they all drive Chevrolet Caprices. But in my experience, at least 95% of them cannot read minds. The other 5%, you have to be really careful what you think about while they’re around.

So yeah, you’re probably going to be disappointed. But how many things in life aren’t disappointing? For me it’s a short list: Return of the Jedi. Disneyland. Possibly Fruitland, depending on the kumquat situation. What’s the opposite of disappointment, anyway? That’s right: appointment. Like you need a bunch of appointment.

Second Fold

You want to be able to style your hair according to your mood, and you’re worried having it shorter will make that difficult.

I’m going to guess you’re a woman. (The readers don’t know this, because I keep email addresses private, but the fact that yours is gives you away.) You probably have long, Rapunzel hair and you’re worried you will lose your magical powers if you cut it. But I’m a guy, and I can still fix my short hair according to my mood:

Serious Hair

Happy Hair

Scared Hair

Sexy Hair

Bored Hair

Sleepy Hair

Macho Hair

Conspiratorial Hair

Evil Hair

Precious Hair

Messy Hair

Dippy Hair

Emotional Hair

Parky Hair

See? I’m sure your short hair can be just as expressive as mine. Besides, it’s not about how you look – it’s about who you are. And honey, you’re the pretty pretty princess of a magical kingdom called Fruitland.

P.S. You hereby have my permission to print off one of those pictures, take it to your stylist, and say, “I want my hair to look evil like this.”

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More funny random thoughts: disappointment exotic fruits fruit hair

  • tripletiote


  • Flimtonius

    Is it actually possible to cut your hair longer? Just wondering, since asking if you should cut it shorter suggests there’s another option….

    • Dan of the Day

      Few stylists can manage it.