Husband Likes Me Crazy

September 3rd, 2011

Dear Mr. Of the Day,

My husband just admitted that he likes it when I’m crazy.
What do I do now?

Fanny Eubanks

Dear Fanny,

What do you do now? You go crazy, of course! Here are a few ways to drive your husband wild:

  • When you’re out in public, every once in a while pretend to be a duck for a minute or so. Then act completely normal, smiling sweetly at anyone who looks concerned. Try other birds as well, but be sure to always choose a noisy one like a chicken or a hummingbird. Act as that bird would act; for instance, if you’re at the grocery store and you’re a crow, peck at food, drop it on the ground and eat it messily without using your hands. Remember to always act like nothing happened afterwards, even if you have crumbs all over your face.
  • Sneak out of bed in the night and turn everything in your house upside down. The next morning act like nothing is different, and if your husband tries to fix anything, say, “Why are you turning that upside down?” and don’t let him do it. Try to use everything in its upside-down position. Pour cereal and milk onto an upside-down bowl. Watch your upside-down TV. Climb under an upside-down chair and “sit” on it. Sometime later in the day, walk into a room where your husband is and exclaim, “Why on earth is everything upside down?” Make him help you put everything back to normal and act like he’s really weird for having turned the things over in the first place.
  • The next time you’re invited to a potluck or a party, bring a plate of twigs from various trees and some Hollandaise sauce for dipping. When you arrive, loudly announce that all the other foods are full of carcinogens, but the dish you brought is loaded with antioxidants. As the night progresses, ratchet things up by periodically going over to the food table, picking up a platter, sniffing at it, dry-heaving and then throwing the whole thing in the garbage. When somebody confronts you about this, shriek, “Cancer! Anitoxidants! CANCER!” and start throwing everything off the table onto the floor. Then take a twig, dip it in the Hollandaise, and sit in a corner, rocking back and forth and nibbling on your twig.
  • Go for a walk with a large vegetable in a stroller. Eggplants or squash work nicely. Talk loudly about what a good little baby you have, and how much you love him. Then announce, “Uh, oh! Somebody’s stinky!” Set the vegetable on the ground for everyone to see and change its diaper. Make a big scene about how smelly it is, and then spank your “baby” for making such a mess. Then yell, “Ouch! He bit me!” Get really mad and break the vegetable into little pieces. Then scream at the pieces, “NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” and cry hysterically.

If your husband likes crazy, he’ll love this stuff. Prepare yourself for decades of marital bliss. But just in case, every once in a while put on your wedding dress and marry an inanimate object in the house, like the fridge. This will help your husband stay on his best behavior, because he will know he can easily be replaced.

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  • Melissa

    Oh my holy *WHAT*, exactly?