8.19.2010

My boss says they don’t pay us to goof off. I say he doesn’t know how to write an accurate job description.

8.18.2010

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Prince is from Minneapolis.

8.17.2010

I want to sing backup for Disney movies just so I can get paid to belt out stuff like, “A lot of sand… Crustacean band!”

8.13.2010

If I were a vampire, I wouldn’t drink human blood or even animal blood- I would drink chocolate milk, because it’s pretty healthy and oh-so-tasty.

8.12.2010

One of the funniest things in the world is a big dog dragging a scrawny person behind it.

8.11.2010

The Boston Cream Pie shows that people from Boston A)make a good dessert, and B)don’t know what a pie is.

8.10.2010

A fun trick would be to secretly change someone’s car horn so when they get mad in traffic all they can muster is a nice round of La Cucaracha.

8.9.2010

I’m conducting a study on naivety. Please send $5 for more information.


8.5.2010

Imagine my surprise when a watermelon really did grow in my stomach. Then imagine the embarrassment of wearing maternity clothes as a man.

8.4.2010

Hey everybody, chillax. And some other made-up words.