The mall food court: a place where you can sit and judge people for their eating choices.
Just remember, struggling artists: there are painting elephants who are more successful than you.
Here’s for you: Things die all over our windshields and we’re like, “Man, I just washed this!”
Electronic devices should fly when you put them in airplane mode.
Plot twist: Skynyrd’s Free Bird, but it’s actually about a promotion at a pet shop.
I could rake my leaves, or I could just wait for the wind to blow them into my neighbor’s yard. The choice is easy.
Background image by Tracy Ducasse, http://www.flickr.com/photos/59089068@N00/1218519
The nice thing about Halloween is you can convince people that all the cobwebs around your porch are actually a decoration.
I hate it when people take me for granite. I am not a statue.
You ever see the Addams Family movie, when they play Wake the Dead? I think that’s what my kids are doing at 7 AM every Saturday.