2.23.2010

IMO, people who say IMHO are lying about the H part.

2.22.2010

Medical Fact #971: When you become a real-estate agent you turn to wax.

2.19.2010

I’m not riding your coattails, I’m pointing at them and laughing.

2.17.2010

I wish people had antlers, because I’m sure they would make bar fights a lot more entertaining.

2.16.2010

Mattress labels are commonly misunderstood. They say, “Not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER.” So if you take it off you have to eat it.

2.15.2010

Some day I hope to found a company that is as universally famous as Acme.

2.12.2010

A good rule of thumb is to not poke people in the eye with it.

2.11.2010

Snowmen Golfing

There’s an orphaned whiteboard where I work. It’s in a rather public area where lots of people pass, and there’s a guy who regularly draws a seasonal picture on it for everyone’s viewing pleasure. His latest was some snowmen golfing. I couldn’t resist adding my own touches to it:

Sadistic Snowmen Golfing

It only lasted a few days before someone erased it all. Some people have no taste.

2.10.2010

I know two kinds of people that can be genuinely surprised by their own farts: little babies, and Joan Rivers.

2.9.2010

Don’t say I never did anything for you, because then people would know.