Instead of setting our clocks forward an hour, can we all just agree to set them back an hour for the next 23 days?
3.3.2014
I can’t believe I completely forgot to care about the Academy Awards.
2.28.2014
Comedians who take credit for others’ work are shameless. The least you could do is acknowledge me for inventing knock-knock jokes.
2.27.2014
Rocks aren’t very good pets because if you throw them at someone you can get in a lot of trouble. Never had that problem with goldfish.
2.26.2014
The Olympics need real winter events like snow shoveling and windshield scraping. Also, they need to be at my house every time it snows.
2.19.2014
There’s a farm outside my city that breeds miniature cattle. And now you know where petite sirloin comes from.
2.18.2014
The best thing in the world is love. The second best is using cruise control on a straight road and putting your hands and feet in the air.
2.12.2014
Whenever people say things like @^#$&*! I’m never sure how to pronounce it.
2.11.2014
Until you walk a mile in another man’s shoes, you won’t know for sure if you got away with stealing them.
2.6.2014
Instead of a CD player, what cars need now is a bigger slot that dispenses pancakes when you press the eject button.
