Karate Chops and Karaoke

Rochelle McConkie
Originally published in the Daily Utah Chronicle

Anonymous candidate wants changes in ASUU

A ninja

Somewhere lurking about campus, posting fliers and writing sidewalk chalk campaign messages in the dark of the night is the unknown candidate only identified as Ninja.

With 34 votes, the mysterious Ninja Karaoke Opposition Party claimed the most write-in votes in the Associated Students of the University of Utah primary elections last week.

Claiming that a real ninja would never reveal his identity, Ninja has not given his name or allowed himself to be photographed. Even if elected, Ninja said, he would never reveal his true identity.

Ninja said he is running in the student government elections as a protest against the system.

“I decided to run in the ASUU elections because I wanted to pad my résumé and get chicks,” Ninja said.

“If elected, I will give preferential treatment to those who supported me. I will also fulfill some of my campaign promises, if I feel like it…maybe,” he said.

According to the party’s Web site, Ninja promises to give students free cupcakes every day, start an ASUU lottery and have a monorail system replace the campus shuttle system.

He expresses opposition toward things such as poodles, women’s outerwear that looks like underwear and car mufflers that sound like kazoos.

The Ninja Karaoke Opposition Party has not filed with the elections registrar in the traditional manner and is running as a write-in candidate.

“ASUU has collected $2,660 in filing fees from candidates this year. We prefer to retain our funds to purchase katana blades and Doritos,” Ninja said.

Ninja is not alone in his party — he said he has the backing of many students and a “vast secret ninja army.”

On Ninja’s Web site, he warns, “Please give Ninja your full support so his vast secret army does not have to hunt you down in the night.”

Ninja said he is known for his karaoke skills because students value candidates with the capacity to entertain.

Although Ninja is a U student studying in an undisclosed college and living in an undisclosed location, he claims he hails from a mountain village in central Honshu, a Japanese island.

“Ninja has existed since the dawn of time when the heavens and the earths were mixed together in a great cloud,” Ninja said.