Dan of the Day » violence

Choking Trouble

Dan of the Day — Thu, 17 May 2012 19:49:20 +0000

If you frequently have trouble with choking, maybe you need to adjust your grip.

How to Improve Golf

Dan of the Day — Wed, 09 May 2012 19:37:51 +0000

How to improve golf: Air cannons replace drivers. Air pistols for putting. The Black Eyed Peas in place of holes. Golf balls explode.

Disagree with Me

Dan of the Day — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 21:57:15 +0000

People who disagree with me should be shot. Let me know if you have a different opinion.

Arbor Day

Dan of the Day — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:34:05 +0000

I don’t see how anyone who has seen those fighting trees on Lord of the Rings can possibly think Arbor Day is a good idea.

Mean Backhand

Dan of the Day — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:37:25 +0000

Maria Sharapova has a mean backhand, but so does my wife whenever I try to watch women’s tennis.

Sloppy Joe

Dan of the Day — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:27:51 +0000

If my name was Joe, I’d go by Sloppy Joe, even though I’m not sloppy. If people asked me why, I’d say, “It’s better than Choppy Joe!” and cut them with my knife.

Wolves’ Bad Rap

Dan of the Day — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 21:29:44 +0000

Wolves get a bad rap from fairy tales. Real wolves would never attack anthropomorphic pigs.

To the Woodshed

Dan of the Day — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 20:35:50 +0000

When someone says they’re going to take you to the woodshed, be sure to bring an ax. You’ll need it if you’re going to help chop wood.

Rules Were Made to Be Broken

Dan of the Day — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 20:21:31 +0000

“Rules were made to be broken.” Yeah, well so were bones, so shut up and do what I tell you.

Items in Trunk

Dan of the Day — Mon, 23 May 2011 17:53:21 +0000

I keep these items in my car for legitimate reasons: baseball bat – playing ball, knife – dicing vegetables, axe – lumberjacking, gun – shooting people.