I don’t see how anyone who has seen those fighting trees on Lord of the Rings can possibly think Arbor Day is a good idea.
12.8.2011
Maria Sharapova has a mean backhand, but so does my wife whenever I try to watch women’s tennis.
11.23.2011
If my name was Joe, I’d go by Sloppy Joe, even though I’m not sloppy. If people asked me why, I’d say, “It’s better than Choppy Joe!” and cut them with my knife.
10.10.2011
Wolves get a bad rap from fairy tales. Real wolves would never attack anthropomorphic pigs.
10.3.2011
When someone says they’re going to take you to the woodshed, be sure to bring an ax. You’ll need it if you’re going to help chop wood.
8.24.2011
“Rules were made to be broken.” Yeah, well so were bones, so shut up and do what I tell you.
5.23.2011
I keep these items in my car for legitimate reasons: baseball bat – playing ball, knife – dicing vegetables, axe – lumberjacking, gun – shooting people.
3.31.2011
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, especially if the first action is punching someone in the face.
3.21.2011
I wonder if people with gold teeth are tempted to punch themselves in the face when inflation is really high.
2.22.2011
I learned from Super Mario that the best way to solve an argument is to throw fireballs, but jumping on a person’s head works too.
