12.16.2011

“Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.” Forget you. If I’m going to jail already, I might as well swipe $200 on my way there.

Dan's Funny Shirts

Mullets are hot (because I light them on fire) t-shirt

Mullets Are Hot T-Shirt

$16.95 and up
The words "Natural Enemies" are in large print. In the center, a dolphin says to a shark, "Quit eating us," and the shark answers, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons!"

Dolphins and Sharks T-Shirt

$16.95 and up
All shirts...

9.14.2011

Whenever I find money in my pocket unexpectedly, I always feel a little guilty for stealing all those people’s clothes from the gym.

2.23.2011

Note to self: Come up with plan to hide embezzled funds. Also, find a less-public place to write down notes to self.

10.6.2010

He scared the bejeebers out of me, and I was like, “Give me back my bejeebers!”

5.25.2010

Once I tried to rob an armored car only to discover that it was an ambulance. I made off with a defibrillator and 3 bags of saline solution.

8.11.2009

I like the fable of Little Red, Red Robin Hood, where he’s bob, bob, bobbin’ along, stealing from the rich to see his grandmother.

Little Red Red Robin Hood