“Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.” Forget you. If I’m going to jail already, I might as well swipe $200 on my way there.
9.14.2011
Whenever I find money in my pocket unexpectedly, I always feel a little guilty for stealing all those people’s clothes from the gym.
2.23.2011
Note to self: Come up with plan to hide embezzled funds. Also, find a less-public place to write down notes to self.
10.6.2010
He scared the bejeebers out of me, and I was like, “Give me back my bejeebers!”
5.25.2010
Once I tried to rob an armored car only to discover that it was an ambulance. I made off with a defibrillator and 3 bags of saline solution.
8.11.2009
I like the fable of Little Red, Red Robin Hood, where he’s bob, bob, bobbin’ along, stealing from the rich to see his grandmother.
