We have a bribery problem around here. No one seems to think I’m important enough to bribe.
Funny thoughts on money
10.8.2014
The only people who say, “It’s all about the Benjamins,” these days are guys named Benjamin.
8.26.2014
New idea: the ice cup challenge, in which people drink a glass of ice water and then send me 100 bucks.
1.16.2014
The amazing thing about Scrooge McDuck is not his phenomenal riches but his ability to dive into solid gold coins without being hurt.
1.14.2014
I always laugh when people say, “Another day, another dollar,” because I make like five times as much as them.
8.15.2013
carpe diem: seize the day
carpe dime: seize ten cents
carp dime: ten cents in fish money
4.12.2013
I always thought capitalists were just people who lived in Washington D.C. or Brussels or Moscow or places like that.
4.9.2013
If you’re a billionaire and you don’t ride a zebra around town now and then, you don’t deserve to be rich.
1.23.2013
If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say, “If I had a dime…” I would throw it at them violently.
12.7.2012
Fact: If you ride the gravy train long enough, eventually you arrive in Idaho at the biggest plate of mashed potatoes in the world.
