At some point you have to admit your wife might have a crush on a firefighter and that’s why she keeps burning down the house.
Funny thoughts on marriage
3.13.2013
Never try to be someone you’re not, because then people are like, “Hey! You’re not my husband!” and then they call the police.
3.15.2012
A diamond ring is a hard, cold, lifeless symbol for a new marriage. We should have engagement kittens.
2.15.2012
My wife gave me kisses for Valentine’s Day. Now at work I give kisses to everyone who passes by. Chocolate makes me sound like a whore.
12.8.2011
Maria Sharapova has a mean backhand, but so does my wife whenever I try to watch women’s tennis.
11.28.2011
Newlywed reaction to a small bed: Ooh, cozy! Later marriage reaction: I’m getting an elbow to the face in my sleep tonight!
7.1.2011
I don’t know about long-term health benefits, but dark chocolate has done wonders for my marriage over the years.
9.27.2010
Me: “I’m death?” My wife: “No, I said you’re deaf.”
