Funny thoughts on humility

April 8th, 2011

I beat Justin Bieber as the humblest person on Twitter. (2011 results used to be here, but are now gone. Believe me, I won.) That’s right, I’m more humble than, and therefore better than, the multi-platinum teen idol. I would just like to thank all my fans who voted for me and recognized my awe-inspiring humility.

The Shorty Awards recognize the best of Twitter. Here are some highlights from my interview for the awards:

What’s your best tweet?
That’s like asking Picasso, “What’s your best painting?” to which he would reply, “That one with the really weird face.”

What are six things you could never do without?
Chinchillas, books on basket weaving, turmeric, hypertrichosis lanuginosa, the ability to count.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
I just make sure my boss isn’t looking. It isn’t that difficult.

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn’t?
I wish God had a Twitter feed, because I’d really like to know what he eats every day.

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn’t already? If so, who?
Justin Bieber. He’s just so talented and nice.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I once unfollowed my mother. Restraining order and all.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Nightstick, battery-operated can openers, chile verde, poppycock, Olive-headed Lorikeet. Stuff like that.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Same way I didn’t get caught plagiarizing in college – change a few words here and there.

What inspires you to tweet?
Every day I get up, look in the mirror, and think, “Man, I would be depriving the world of genius if I didn’t tweet today.”

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Using fancy words like “faux pas.” I know what it means, but most other people don’t.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Does Chuck Norris ever get called out for killing people too much?

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
I’ve given up hope on flying cars, so let’s go with robot/human wars.

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
With my brain. Duh.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
I think the most amazing user of Twitter is me. I always use 140 characters or less and hit the Tweet button. Awesome!

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
Everybody thinks Twitter is about hearing what people have to say, but it’s not – It’s about hearing what I have to say.

How do you decide what to tweet?
Divine inspiration. That, and Laffy Taffys.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish people would make more pancakes on Twitter, because honestly, couldn’t the world use more flapjacks?