Prison would be better if it wasn’t full of mean people and the food was really good and you could come and go whenever you wanted.
Funny thoughts on getting arrested
10.1.2013
Climbing trees is more fun when you’re a carefree kid and you don’t have to worry about things like falling or being caught by the FBI.
6.3.2013
Bananas and boomerangs have a lot in common: they’re curved, they’re aerodynamic, and you get arrested when you throw them at cops.
12.16.2011
“Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.” Forget you. If I’m going to jail already, I might as well swipe $200 on my way there.
2.16.2010
Mattress labels are commonly misunderstood. They say, “Not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER.” So if you take it off you have to eat it.
1.27.2010
I hope Judgment Day goes better than my last court date.
1.22.2010
I got caught toilet papering my neighbor’s house and they pressed charges. Can you believe that? Maybe I shouldn’t have lit it on fire.
11.23.2009
Once this guy asked me to stop shouting at people, so I put him under citizen’s arrest. Turns out he was a cop. A jerk cop.
11.9.2009
A phrase I often use is, “You can’t fire me, I quit!” Almost as often as, “You can’t arrest me, I turn myself in!”
