“Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.” Forget you. If I’m going to jail already, I might as well swipe $200 on my way there.
2.16.2010
Mattress labels are commonly misunderstood. They say, “Not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER.” So if you take it off you have to eat it.
1.22.2010
I got caught toilet papering my neighbor’s house and they pressed charges. Can you believe that? Maybe I shouldn’t have lit it on fire.
11.23.2009
Once this guy asked me to stop shouting at people, so I put him under citizen’s arrest. Turns out he was a cop. A jerk cop.
11.9.2009
A phrase I often use is, “You can’t fire me, I quit!” Almost as often as, “You can’t arrest me, I turn myself in!”
