I never knew why my high school English teacher didn’t eat the cookies we made. It’s almost as if she knew they were laced with fish medicine that would make her urine green.
1.19.2012
My niece thinks octopuses don’t wear pants because they have too many legs. ‘Course not. It’s because they’d have to open their fly to eat.
12.30.2011
Was it named cottage cheese because of where it used to be made or where it was eaten? I need to know whether to call it factory cheese now or salad bar cheese.
9.12.2011
I used to think a rutabaga was a kind of car. Turns out it’s not, it just tastes like one.
8.5.2011
You know what else is fat free? Dirt. Tastes about the same, and I don’t eat it either.
7.8.2011
I go through periods of time where I want to eat and eat and eat until I can’t move. I call these periods “days.”
5.2.2011
If a badger ever eats your face, just ask him to give it back and he probably will, because badgers aren’t as mean as they seem.
11.5.2010
I was so preoccupied with whether or not I could, I didn’t stop to think if I should. And yes, I can eat two big bags of Cheetos.
9.13.2010
I’m stuffed to the gills, which is really weird because I don’t even have gills.
