“Take baby steps.” Oh, so stumble forward like a drunk and fall on my face? Thanks for the advice.
9.21.2011
It’s a good thing baby oil isn’t made from real babies, because then people would think I was weird for drinking it.
8.22.2011
Celebrities give their kids weird names: Moroccan, Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Kah-el. I prefer biblical names, like Maher-shalal-hash-baz.
5.13.2010
My daughter wanted to name the baby Candy Bar, but I told her no way, because I wanted to name him Twix.
2.10.2010
I know two kinds of people that can be genuinely surprised by their own farts: little babies, and Joan Rivers.
2.1.2010
After I eat, I’d feel a lot better if you would hug me and pat my back until I burp.
7.14.2009
Sometimes for fun I put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong. It makes babies fall in love.
