Why Do People Like Beets?

August 20th, 2011

Why do people like beets? How many purple?

Johnny Doeson
Burnt Corn, Alabama, or thereabouts

Dear Johnny,

It’s funny you ask that, because this is actually an advice column, not a beet information column. But don’t you fret; I have never shied away from giving advice when none was requested or wanted, and I certainly won’t in this case. And I may even answer your questions, provided I can figure out what the crap you’re talking about.

So here’s some advice: Never spit into the wind. Never urinate into the wind. Never spray pesticides into the wind. Never take a drink of soda, hear a funny joke, and then blow the contents of your mouth into the wind. Never shoot napalm into the wind. Never stand upwind of a ferocious tiger. Never stand downwind of a herd of foreign tourists. And never, ever accidentally swallow dust in the wind, because according to the rock band Kansas, that’s cannibalism.

Now, on to your questions. I think we need to clearly establish that there are things that come from underground that you should eat, things you can eat if you really want to, and things you should never eat.

Things from underground that you should eat:

  • French fries
  • Onion rings
  • Root beer
  • Garlic bread
  • Potato chips
  • Onion dip
  • Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Things from underground that you can eat if you really want to:

  • Carrots
  • Radishes
  • Parsnips
  • Rattlesnakes
  • Prairie Dogs
  • Earthworms
  • Hipsters

Things from underground that you should never eat:

  • Rocks
  • Decaying garbage
  • Dinosaur bones
  • Corpses
  • Demons of hell
  • Beets
  • Ozzy Osbourne

As you can see, people who eat beets are sick, demented freaks who might as well be eating rotting refuse. You can be sure that if they like beets, they definitely like other equally evil things like genocide, clubbing baby seals and listening to Kenny G. Shun these people. Make them rue the day they stooped to eating that vulgar violet vegetable.

As for your other question, “How many purple?” I can only answer, “As many as you want.” Because if I don’t know what the crap I’m talking about, I definitely don’t know what the crap you’re talking about.

Read more of Dan’s advice

Just reading? Ask Dan for advice yourself.

  • tripletiote

    Fabulous response!