Stop the Bunnies

June 4th, 2012

I need a good solution to keeping random bunnies from eating my garden (that does not involving killing said random bunnies).

Cousin Doe

Cousin Doe? As in a deer? A female deer? I had no idea we were related. I mean, beyond the whole Mammalia class and all. But on to your question.

No killing, eh? What the crap kind of stipulation is that? That nixes my first twenty suggestions right off the bat, including the use of a holy hand grenade. But if the rabbits aren’t killing you, I guess it’s only fair that you don’t kill them either.

One problem with bunnies is that once you have a couple of them, they just multiply like rabbits. So instead of one or two bunnies nibbling your carrots, suddenly you have an entire army of root-rummaging rabbits. What you need is some bunny birth control. Of course, that will only be effective if the bunnies are not devout Catholics.

Maybe what you need is some kind of decoy to lead them all away from your yard. Perhaps one of these would do. Bunnies follow those everywhere. Or maybe one of these. Want to get the girl bunnies to leave too? Try one of these. But make sure you don’t accidentally get one of these. All kinds of reasonable people seem to go crazy over Bugs Bunny in drag. You might end up losing the men in your life.

Girl bunny robot lure for Bugs Bunny
Jessica Rabbit
Bugs Bunny with Flowers
Elmer Fudd is lovestruck when he sees a pretty "girl." who is actually Bugs Bunny.

Have you considered that maybe the problem is not the bunnies, but the fact that you are actually growing rabbit food? Maybe if you grew people food, like chickens or pigs or candy bars, you wouldn’t have to worry about bunnies eating everything. I’ve never seen a bunny eat a pig before.

Wait, I forgot you’re a deer, so you probably do want to eat rabbit food. Okay, here’s another idea. Purchase a bunch of marching drums and mallets and place them around your vegetables. If these bunnies are anything like the ones I’ve seen on TV, they will pick up the drums and march around banging on them. They’ll do this forever, if they’re Energizer bunnies, or until they die, if they are using an inferior battery. Either way, they’ll be too busy marching to mess with your garden.

Now it’s my turn to ask you a question. How do you type with those hooves?

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