Reverse the Signs of Aging

February 25th, 2012

Dear Mr. Of the Day,

I am starting to see crow’s feet by my eyes and my skin is becoming blemished and just losing that glow of youth. What products or procedures work best to reverse the signs of aging?

Mrs. Pippenpapzapopolopocus
Omashu City

Dear Longest Greek Name I Have Ever Heard,

Wait, so you have crows standing on your face?! You’re closer to death than I thought. You’d better get started on this right away.

Let’s start by turning to the most infallible source of information known to man: movies. I recently saw a documentary about reducing the signs of aging and restoring your youthful vigor. Apparently all you have to do is find a magical flower that grew where a drop of sunlight fell to the ground and sing to it. The downside is if someone eats the flower you will have to kidnap their daughter and raise her yourself in the seclusion of a tall tower.

I saw another method in a historical film about pirates. All you need is two ancient silver Spanish chalices, a mermaid tear, a human sacrifice and the Fountain of Youth. As far as I know, you can pick all of that stuff up at your local Walmart.

Or you might take another lesson from Hollywood and try a little bit of plastic surgery. In a typical face lift, they cut the sides of your face, separate your skin from the tissues underneath with scissors, use stitches to make the deeper tissues tighter, remove excess skin and then “redrape” your skin across your face. Sounds fun, right? In the end you look like this.

Pee Wee Herman looking at himself in the mirror with clear tape on his face lifting his nose and upper lip.

There are all kinds of other procedures you can go through too. They can reshape your jaw by cutting part of the bone out, moving it and then reattaching it using titanium plates. You can plump up your lips or other parts of the body by injecting any number of substances, including fat from somewhere else on your body, extract from cowhide, ground-up bone suspended in a gel, or processed tissue taken from human corpses (no joke). Or you can get an injection of Botox, which is actually poisonous poop from bacteria and is the toxin responsible for the paralysis-causing illness botulism.

That about covers it for procedures, but there’s a lot of advice floating around out there that’s supposed to help you increase your lifespan and look and feel younger. Allow me to debunk these common perceptions:

How To Look Younger and Live Longer

  • Eat More Healthily – False. Junk food is loaded with preservatives. What better way to preserve your body’s current state than with preservatives?
  • Avoid Stress – True. This also has the added effect of preserving the lives of those around you, because you won’t feel like killing stressful people if you aren’t around them.
  • Stay Out of the Sun – False. When plants don’t get any sun, they lose their will to live and eventually die. This phenomenon is further evidenced by the slow but steady deaths of people in Seattle.
  • Exercise More – False. What happens to your car when you drive it more? What happens to your pencil when you write all the time? What happens to your lipstick when you write creepy messages on your neighbors’ car windows? Using things wears them out and uses them up. Don’t abuse your body by engaging in unnecessary activity.
  • Get Enough Sleep – True, unless you’re getting really old. Elderly people are always dying in their sleep, so at this stage in your life you should probably forego sleep altogether.

There’s one more method that doesn’t show up in the lists, but I feel is worthy of mention: cryonics. The basic gist is that medical science is pretty much garbage right now, so why not freeze yourself to be reanimated at a time when human life is less fragile? Or at least at a time when they have invented whipped cream that doesn’t make you fat and Justin Bieber is no longer around. All you need is a little carbonite and a permanent power source to keep you chilled through the millennia. Again, pretty sure you can pick all this stuff up at Walmart.

George Lucas frozen in carbonite

“But my friends and family will all be gone!” you say. Well, freeze them too! Let’s all get frozen! What are we doing wasting all of our time in the here and now when we know full well that the future holds flying cars, deep space exploration and Moon Pies? But seriously, don’t forget to bring all those Greek relatives of yours. I don’t want to risk living in a future without Baklava and gyro.

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