Rastafarian Redneck

January 14th, 2012

Dan,

Today I saw a Rastafarian Redneck with a Dredlocked Mullet. Would that technically be considered a Mullock or a Dredlet?

Sincerely,
Seeneverything
West Virginia

Dear Seeneverything (if that even is your real name),

That’s a great question. I have, in the past, said a thing or two about mullets on this site. You might think I’m a mullet expert, and you would be right, because I’m an expert on everything. That’s why I started this advice column – to show off my wealth of knowledge and incredible intellect.

But you seem to be missing the point of an advice column: to get and receive advice. But since I am a generous overlord columnist, I will do what I have done many times in the past and tell a person what to do even though they didn’t ask me.

To begin, let’s explain to the other readers exactly what a mullet is. According to Google, a mullet is defined as:

A chiefly marine fish (families Mullidae and Mugilidae) that is widely caught for food.

Well, that’s some weird crap. Let’s try the next definition:

A star with five (or more) straight-edged points or rays, as a charge or a mark of cadency for a third son.

Okay, so Google obviously doesn’t know jack. A mullet is a haircut that is short in the front and long in the back. Like this:

Hurts your eyes, doesn’t it? I’m sorry I had to do that to you, but sometimes you have to come face-to-face with evil to truly understand it. And yes, I just used the “E” word, because mullets are right up there on the diabolical scale with third-world dictators and Old Scratch himself.

Kim Jong Il in the Buff

Mullets started to show up in the late 60s and early 70s, and really started to hit their stride in the 80s. The mere fact that they were the height of fashion in the 80s should be a huge red flag, but check out this list of people who helped popularize them:

Paul McCartney with a mullet

  • Tom Jones
  • Florence Henderson
  • Post-Beattles Paul McCartney
  • David Bowie
  • Duran Duran
  • Billy Ray Cyrus
  • U2’s Bono
  • Peter Gabriel
  • Sting
  • Australian soccer players
  • Mel Gibson
  • Slater on Saved by the Bell
  • Kiefer Sutherland
  • The Little Mermaid

Satanic, every one of them. They try to fool you with that short, modest look in front, but we all know what’s hiding behind it. It’s a well-known fact that Mel Gibson, despite his profession of deep Christian beliefs, eats seven babies for breakfast every day. And Billy Ray Cyrus gave us Achy Breaky Heart. *shudder*

As for your “Rastafarian redneck,” that’s just a pothead hillbilly who doesn’t like to shower. If you want my advice, I think you shouldn’t call his mullock/dredlet anything. I think you should light it on fire.

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