Horrible Temper Tantrums

February 4th, 2012

Dear Dan of the Day,
My daughter is throwing horrible temper tantrums all the time. What do I do?
Mother going crazy

Dear Mother going crazy,

Most people capitalize their full name. But whatever.

I’m glad you came to me with this important question, because this is something you should take care of now, before it’s too late. I’m sure some people would tell you that you can change your child’s behavior through modifying your responses to them and blah blah blah blah blah. That’s a bunch of crap. You can’t do anything to fix it, because it is completely outside of your control. Your child is defective.

Have you ever gotten a gift for Christmas and been super excited, only to have it break within a few days? Think of your daughter as that gift. Sure, it seemed like a great present at the time (at least it wasn’t socks, right?), but now you can see that it was cheaply made and obviously not able to withstand a simple strike from a hammer. Now if you’re lucky, you might be able to trade it to your little brother for some red and green M&Ms, or at least a candy cane.

Not my child! you say. I love her so dearly! Well I loved the Simpsons, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s now about as funny as an old British comedy about a veterinarian.

Love is often a vain pursuit. I knew a guy once who fell in love with a llama. He brushed its wool every day for a week until he found out it had been lying to him and was actually just an overgrown poodle. In the end he came away with nothing but a bruised ego and an extremely uncomfortable Chilean poncho.

Let’s consider the parenting advice of one of the least crazy people ever – Willy Wonka. Kids came to him with all kinds of problems – eating too much, chewing gum excessively, watching too much TV – and he got rid of every single one of them. Some children are bad eggs. And bad eggs go down the garbage chute. Think of it philosophically: If a kid throws a temper tantrum in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Now I’m not advocating that you leave your daughter in the forest. That would be both illegal and fiscally irresponsible. Adoptive parents are willing to pay top dollar for your healthy, adorable child. Like the Christmas present, you just have to “hide that hammer mark,” so to speak. They don’t need to know she throws horrible tantrums. Used car salesmen use this tactic all the time; it’s called “omitting important facts and/or outright lying.”

Now I’m sure this all sounds very calloused, but you will forget all about your daughter as soon as you have replaced her with a newer, less-bothersome daughter. But remember, the next one will inherit your genes just like the first one did. And if she’s anything like you were as a toddler, she’ll be a complete monster too.

Your Idiot Brother

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