Following Dan

August 6th, 2011


I follow this man called Dan on twitter. I think I’m in love with him, but i don’t want him to find out!!!

What should I do?


P.S. Rhinoplasty.

*Ahem.* You’re supposed to start with “Dear Dan.” Geez, haven’t you ever written to an advice column before?1 Anyway,

1(As if Dan has written one before.)

Dear Koush,

I get where you’re going with this. I may not be the brightest cookie in the shed, but I know how to read between the lions.2 Sure, there are probably thousands of people named Dan on Twitter, but let’s drop the pretense; you know who you’re talking about, I know who you’re talking about, and all the readers3 know who you’re talking about. So I’m just going to say it out loud: You’re in love with Danny Devito.

2(Hold very still, and mask your scent with Pine-Sol. Also, shoot the lions first.)
3(Editor’s note: To be correct, should be “both the readers,” not “all the readers.”)

Not that anyone can blame you for that. He is quite the handsome devil. But why do you insist on this being secret? I think you should tell him.

Photo of Danny DeVito from his Twitter profile. He's making a weird face and has no shirt on.

After all, what’s the worst that could happen? That he doesn’t like you in return? Well, there have got to be hundreds of five-foot tall sixty-something bald actors of Italian descent who have won both an Emmy and a Golden Globe award. Just take your pick!

What you need is a little help getting over your fears. And that’s what I’m here for! Now, I could talk you up and build your confidence so you can tell him yourself, but that wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun as me just telling him your secret over Twitter for the world to see. So I’ll go ahead and do that now.

It’s probably a long shot for you to get his attention, you know. Based on my extensive research4, Danny has been happily married to actress Rhea Perlman (Carla from Cheers) for almost three decades. Good luck prying him away from her.

4(I.e. reading a Wikipedia page)
Screenshot from Cheers showing Carla with a towel on her shoulder and a liquor bottle in her hand.

In fact, the more I read, the more I think you shouldn’t even be interested in this guy. Did you know he eats whole raw fish? And once he bit a man’s nose so hard, it nearly came off. He only has two fingers and a thumb on each of his hands, so they look like grotesque flippers. Apparently he’s also a homicidal psychopath, who regularly associates with unsavory criminals like Catwoman.

Dude. Save yourself. You’re going to need rhinoplasty if this guy ever finds out you like him.

  1. As if Dan has written one before.
  2. Hold very still, and mask your scent with Pine-Sol. Also, shoot the lions first.
  3. Editor’s note: To be correct, should be “both the readers,” not “all the readers.”
  4. I.e. reading a Wikipedia page.

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