Choked by Love

August 13th, 2011

My girlfriend told me that she loved me and I choked on my burrito…what should I do? Do you think that this might have something to do with her pregnancy hormones?

Burrito Choker
Earth

Dear Burrito Choker,

First and foremost, if you are still choking on that burrito, stop asking people for advice online and make an effort to clear your airway. If you cannot dislodge the obstruction on your own, put your hands to your throat to indicate you are choking. If no one is around to see this, you will immediately feel kind of stupid. In this case, or if the people nearby are too dense to understand, pick up the nearest phone and dial 911. You won’t be able to speak, so when the operator answers just use the phone touch pad to play Help Me Rhonda. They’ll know what you mean, especially if the operator is named Rhonda, and they’ll send an ambulance ASAP. If you’re still alive after all of that, please continue reading.

Now to answer your question, first I will need to explain a little about pregnancy and the changes that accompany it. We’ll start at the beginning.

What is pregnancy?
Pregnancy is when a woman (or in rare cases, a man) has a baby growing in her (/his) tummy. How does this happen? Where does the baby come from? Why isn’t it destroyed by stomach acid? These questions are beyond the scope of this advice column, but in most cases the answers are, respectively, magic, baby farms, and Teflon coating.

What physical changes occur during pregnancy?
The abdomen enlarges, the hips and other joints begin to loosen, and the belly button may begin to stick out. As tempting as it may be, DO NOT push on the protruding navel, as this is the eject button and should be used only at the appropriate time by a trained physician.

What emotional changes occur during pregnancy?
During the second trimester, women often begin to feel more dependent on their partners. This is a point where she begins to realize that she needs someone to run to the store to get chocolate covered pine nuts for her (RIGHT NOW!), to pick her up if she tips over, or to make fun of the way she waddles like a duck. She may reflect more on what is truly important to her in life, those who mean the most to her, and who will help her raise this child. Then she’ll realize that William Shatner is getting way too old for that sort of thing, and she’ll settle for you.

What psychokinetic changes occur during pregnancy?
Women who are pregnant sometimes develop the ability to make physical objects move by merely thinking about it. This is sort of like the Force, but without lightsabers. Some materials are more easily influenced than others, but Mexican food is especially prone to these mental manipulations.

Dan’s Advice
My guess is that she after she told you she loved you, she immediately choked you to let you know that she was serious. Let this be a lesson to you that pregnant women are always, always in charge, and if you don’t do what she says you’ll end up like Admiral Kendal Ozzel rather than Moff Jerjerrod.

My advice? When she says she loves you, tell her you love her too.

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