The nice thing about Halloween is you can convince people that all the cobwebs around your porch are actually a decoration.
I hate it when people take me for granite. I am not a statue.
You ever see the Addams Family movie, when they play Wake the Dead? I think that’s what my kids are doing at 7 AM every Saturday.
Nevermore? Real ravens never quoth anything except squawk! squawk! squawk!
Background image by Luz Adriana Villa, https://www.flickr.com/photos/luchilu/677786684/
Really, Google? Those are your suggestions?
We have a bribery problem around here. No one seems to think I’m important enough to bribe.
To really annoy your Spanish teacher, ask, in all seriousness, “When is Cinco de Mayo this year?”
“To the Victor go the spoils,” I say as I mail my rotten leftovers to some dude named Victor.
“Dispense with the pleasantries,” she says. Okay. So now I’m a pleasantry dispenser.
4% of all statitsics contain a typo.