10.20.2009

I’ve considered moving to Atlantis, but I don’t think I could handle the humidity.

10.19.2009

Do you ever see the word “coworker” and think “cow orker?”

10.16.2009

If someone holds a door for you when you’re too far away, stop and tie your shoe. If they don’t wait, shout, “Thanks for nothing!”

10.15.2009

If I were gravity, I would reverse myself every once in a while, just for fun.

10.14.2009

Some people like clean jokes, but I don’t think cleanliness is a laughing matter.

10.13.2009

If life is a multiple-choice test, I’m just trying to spell out words with my answers. DEADCABDADBADBABE

10.12.2009

Columbus Day is a farce. There’s no way I’m going to celebrate some city in Ohio.

10.9.2009

I’ll be honest – talk about the food chain makes me really hungry.

I'm at the <em>end</em> of the food chain! (Chains don't have a top.)

I'm at the end of the food chain! (Chains don't have a top.)

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10.8.2009

I tried financial modeling, but I got tired of always wearing suits and ties for the photo shoots.

10.6.2009

I hope they never invent a pill that makes you smaller, because what if you accidentally overdose and someone steps on you?