Maybe Rumpelstiltskin kept his name secret so people wouldn’t make fun of it.
All you need to be happy in life is a close friend and a swimming pool full of Cheetos.
I probably shouldn’t joke about this, but there’s this guy I see at the gym who wears a t-shirt that says, “Property of Jesus Christ,” and every time I see it, I want to say, “Hey man, maybe you should give Jesus his shirt back.”
Zoning ordinances are so restrictive. There are legitimate reasons for raising war elephants in your backyard.
If you are what you eat, that would explain why so many kids are total boogers.
Braggadocio is a fancy kind of lettuce that only awesome people like me know about.
Background image deriv. of Robert Couse-Baker, http://www.flickr.com/photos/29233640@N07/4461633306/
I wasn’t worried about caloric intake until I found out it’s actually not part of a car engine.
Background image deriv. of Ahmad Ziyad Maricar, http://www.flickr.com/photos/88758808@N00/527844080/
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I will never trust another human being again.” -Cats
A Subway subway is an underground train that takes you to a sandwich shop.
Background image deriv. of Matthew Rutledge, https://www.flickr.com/photos/rutlo/3164514287/in/gallery-mattimattila-72157625636640685/